I wrote this several years ago when I was just beginning to practice Buddhism. If someone were to ask me now why I'm a Buddhist, I'd say because it's a good fit but I do think it's interesting to look at where my mind was several years ago.
For the last couple of months/years
I have had a developing interest in Buddhism and am now a practicing Buddhist
attending services and meditation at Orange County Buddhist Church. While I do
believe it is by the grace of God that I am a Buddhist, I do feel more at home
in my Buddhist community. For me, the label Christian
has become too privileged for me to feel comfortable using it. I will be
accepted by certain groups and people more readily and simply because I tell
them I am a Christian. To me, this
feels a bit wrong. I would like to become more understanding, aware of and
involved with people who are misunderstood, ridiculed and unappreciated. One of
way of doing this, for me, is giving up the privilege of the Christian label. If I truly believed
that God cared about whether or not I was a Christian,
I would be a Christian but because I
believe God cares more about my heart and how I live in community, I am a
Buddhist.
I am a Buddhist because when I
meditated I experienced peace and when I chanted I experienced community and
oneness. I am a Buddhist because I meditate as Buddha meditated and I chant as
Buddha chanted. I attend OCBC because when I attend services I feel welcomed
and appreciated.
There may be some concern that as a
Buddhist I am giving up my Christian privilege
of going to heaven. I believe that I will stand before God to give an account
of my life and where I go from there is dependent on God’s love and wisdom but
for now I believe my search for God/in God/through God has led me to Buddhism
and to deny this part of me/my experience now because people are afraid of
me/for me would be a rejection/denial of God’s work in my life.
Anthony De Mello wrote ‘whatever
happened to life before death?” I think that is a profound question. I
appreciate the ritual of Buddhism and this was missing in my
understanding/practice of Christianity. When I read ‘Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind’
by Shunryu Suzuki, I began crying because I was so struck by the love, peace,
and contentment that I experienced through his writing. I wondered if it was
possible to live such a life. I spent the majority of my life not wanting to
live but to die and go to heaven. I was not living. Practicing/studying
Buddhism helped me to see and experience what I was missing: presence. I was
not present for much of my life but through the practice and study of
meditation I am now able to better know what it means to be present. Could I come
to this awareness/realization through Christian practice and fellowship? Yes.
But, I didn’t. I came to it through Buddhism.
And right now I am appreciating and getting involved w/the OCBC
community and will continue to do so until it becomes clear to me that I need
to move on.
When I am listening to a Dharma
talk, I am reminded of parallels and the truth that I understand in/through
Christianity. I can acknowledge these reminders w/appreciation. If someone says
something that differs from my understanding I can try to seek clarification or
I can simply accept that is his or her view and not mine. I am able to approach
Buddhism with a healthy and, I believe, an appropriate sense of detachment.
Whereas, if I’m at church and disagree w/a speaker or an author, I feel anger,
resentment and am too distracted to learn from them. I feel like it’s my job or
responsibility to speak out against and challenge what I disagree with but
where is the true merit in that if I am only one who has a problem. Wouldn’t it
be better for me to find a community where I can practice in peace? In my own
way, I believe I am being the change I would like to see in the world.
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